trying to figure out why~

Sometimes I wonder though I shouldn't, why one earth am I born with such attitude.

I ain't beating around the bushes anymore. I hate myself.

For hurting the one whom I love the most.

Yeah.

Take a guess.

BINGO!

My mom.

Yep. I hurt her. Again. 

I should go to hell for such sin. Yeah. I should.

Aku tak tau la sampai bika perangai aku ni nak tahan. Even I'm sick of myself. And that's just sick.

So much for being a goody-two-shoes daughter. 

One day, I am gonna hit my head on the floor wishing I had changed earlier. Yeah. Manusia.

That's me.

Could I just say that I don't deserve a mom as wonderful as she is?

I really don't deserve her right?

yep. I know.

Here, I would like to say to y'all.. I love my mom so much. I love her to the point which I myself can't say. I shouldnt point the skeletons in my closets. I know. But I'm doing it anyway. I just wanna say that I'm a bad kid.

An ungrateful daughter.

A thoughtless human being.

And I deserve no kindness from people. 

I can't cry. I never cry.

I will not cry. Ever.

Ma, I'm sorry that I hurt you. I'm sorry that I broke your heart into pieces.

I'm sorry that I'm the cause of those tears.

I'm sorry that I can never be a good daughter the way you want.

I pray that your other children won't follow my black and dark path.

I pray that they'll turn out the way you want them to.

I pray that HE will always look out for you and grant all your wishes.

I pray that one day maybe I can make you proud.

I pray that someday I can be good.

I pray that someday I will no longer cause your heartaches and tears.

I pray.

Yeah. I do.

Na sayang mama. sangat. sangat.

Kepada sahabat-sahabat yang lama tahan dengan perangai aku yang menyakitkan hati ni. 

Thanks guys. Seriously. Thanks.

Aku nak mintak maaf kalau aku bukan lah friend material sangat.

I am all about weakness.

(senyum pahit terpaksa)

Aku nak habaq mai yang these past 4 years and a half was a blast!

No matter what.
Aku doakan kita sama-sama berjaya.

May we get through this exam dengan harapan Allah akan sentiasa membantu kita.

Yeah.

Hopefully.

Sincerely aku cakap kat korang. Aku sayang korang gilaks!

And to kawan aku yang lagik sorang tuh. I'm sorry. That's all I can say.

May fate fares you better~

ranting.nonestop.nonesense.dengan.rasa.berbuku.

signing out,

     Jo

ridiculous

Aaaaaa... I am out of words to say. seriously. lemme say that the managements of some hotels are ridiculous.

Ada ke patut dia suruh aku and adik-adik terchenta aku leave the pool.?? DUDE! Seriously?? Punya la banyak hotel aku pernah pergi tak pernah satu pon suruh kitorang leave the pool. I mean come on la. Just sebab tak nak kena buat maintenance lebih diorang halau. OMG! what the ....?? Aku punya la tebai muka menahan marah tau dak! Rasa nak jumpa manager dia time-time tu jugak. Kesian hang tau dok kat adik-adik aku! Felt like chucking you into the pool je!huh. okay. aku dah habis melalut. adieu!

Impossible

Am currently at home sebab tengah sick ni. 

Aaaa. Sick. Yep. Sick.

 Sooo..what's new?

 Memang Allah nak permudahkan aku untuk stop contact dengan dia la aku rasa. 

Sebab found out that dia dah deactivated fb account dia. 

A part of me is grateful but the other part of me.

 Aaaa,sheesh! who am i kidding, of course la ada rasa sedih tu. (awwkkaayy...you can laugh now!)

And aku terpikiq sampai bila agaknya  aku tak kan contact dia?

Bukan nak kata apa, tapi habaq la awai-awai. (pfffttt!)

But seriously saying,this is the last time I am ever gonna be affected. Lepas ni orang nak buat apa,buat la. Aku dah tak kisah. Senang crita aku dah immune dah. Aku harap kau akan dapat apa yang kau nak. yada yada yada.. aku nak chow. aku blank.

living in my own world~

Esok dah nak balik asrama.. aku buat rekod siapkan homework tau tak!
Haha~

Cuti ni..kira seronok la weh.. haha..you live and you learn ...right?

terasa tenang cuti ni walaupon mula-mula tu memang ada rasa shock,sedih, ..yadda-yadda..

Discovering the truth wasn't easy to accept...Okay. inche tu dah besar, an adult, he has every right to do what he did.. Tapi tak expect langsung...tak pa lah.. org doakan yang terbaik untuk korang~

Kalau ada jodoh makan la hanna nasi minyak in 2-3 years kan?
Haha

And to kawan yang sorang tu, yang sanggup teman buat physics (awwwkaaayyy..anda dipaksa kan?)

tak kisah la.. yang penting aku terharu! >_<

Thanks la sebab sudi je kawan dengan aku walaupon aku ni sengal+tak bape nk btol dkt kepala etc...

Biaq pi la orang nak kata apa.. yang aku tau hang dan aku kawan dan tader mende lain yang apekemendentah~

Sampai bila kita kawan tu hanya Allah yang tahu tapi buat sementara ni I'm gonna pray that our friendship stay as long as possible.

I'll always pray for ya success and happiness. 

I know you're a good person.

I know you're not being "talam dua muka" (hopefully)

I know you're sincere.

I hope for the best for you in your life,present and future, and also hereafter~

all the best untuk kau~ =)

Esok balik skolah.,...22 ade kuiz ASEAN, 26-31 ada symposium,4-6 ada hksbp olahraga!
memang gile banyak ar aku miss class.. mati la aku nak cover balik!

Mau taknya menangis tak berlagu aku nnti tunggang terbalik nak kejar syllabus!
haha..

ok la...da tak taw nak melalut apa..

adioos!!!

                                           out:

                                           Jo

giving up on the truth

 Me wondering what the hell had happened~

Dia dah pergi. He left, He went to umrah. Taw semalam,itupon sebab ternampak post dia kat newsfeed. Kalau tak alamatnye sampai bila la baru aku nak taw. Sedih. Sebab tiba-tiba terpikir 

" Kalau kitorang still kawan mesti dia akan habaq kat aku awal-awal. And akan tanya nak apa-apa tak or nak doakan apa-apa tak kat sana.."

Tapi tu kalau kitorang still kawan. Tapi ni memang dah putus kot prsahabatan tu. Semalam cakap kat Kajai. Aku mintak dia doakan SS selamat sampai dan balik, sebab aku tak nak watkan. Terasa tak sampai hati ni. (huhhh)..

Lagipon, doa seorang sahabat tu kan  makbul... Tapi aku bukan kawan kau dah kan. So..paham-paham sendiri lah~ Anyway , jai cakap dia nak gak slowtalk ngan SS untuk dpt the truth. And aku skali lagi menipu diri sendiri with saying

 " Sukeatila kau nak buat apa. Aku terasa macam tak nak taw je da truth"

I should get an award for being such a brilliant actress~ Tak ke rase macam tuh. Jai marah kata aku ni suka menipu diri sendiri sebab dia taw aku nak sangat taw kenape... Tapi kadang-kadang kena mnipu diri sendiri so that kita tak akan sakit aty....right?

Sungguh aku tak taw~ Mane aku nak taw... Aku tataw.. Losing a friend hurts..but losing a friend without knowing why hurts more~ Sebab kau tak taw sape puncanya.... Terasa macam nak anggap tak pernah kenal p0on SS tu.. URghhhhhH!

Hey bro, lemme tell you something, I never meant to hurt you, I never wanted to end this friendship. It kills me to see you being friends with Jai . To hear all those stories about you cause you know what?

I dont wanna give a damn about you anymore! You can do all you want dude, but I wish to not see you again! I hope you do understand because I've been strong too long and I'm not gonna break down ~

I'm ego. No kidding, But I've lowered down my ego before to let you explain but your ego is to0 big! so i got nothing out of it. So hey, I'm not gonna lower down my ego ever again!

I dont hate you. Honestly i dont, But I just dont wanna know you anymore.

 Just to let you know that you have brought bitter and sweet memories in my life and I'll never forget what you have done, But I wan to forget you. Have a happy life. May you do good in Mekkah~

May fate fares you better~

                                                           signing out:

                                                         Jo

watching the rain fall in the inside~ T_T

Ni namenye menyelam sambil minum  air ni. Nak kene siapkan symposium sebenarnye tapi amik rest jap. (ok actually dah lama gilaakk!) Cg Azni yang baik lagik comel telah dengan baik hatinye meminjamkan BB.. Sebenarnye tgh tension yang teramat.. dengan exam esoknye.. symposium yang asyik membebankn otak je semedang. Dengan nasyid yang hampeh gilak! tolong la paham! Aku jeles tahap giga dekat budak2 nasyid rumah abu bakar, memang sedap tahap tak tau nak cakap ape la. Dah la lagu best gile , harmoni, memang mantap habisan la. Rumah Ali? PFFFTTTT!!! 

I ain't gonna give a damn if they themselves couldn't care less! Y should I? Rase macam nak nangis je. Tetibe teringat kawan yang sorang tuh, Heyya buddy! how are ya? mesti makin baik an? haha.. btw, 25 nnti aku kena pi skolah hang. Haha. 

Kadang-kadang aku tak taw nak cakap apa. Banyak sangat mnde in my hands sampai tak terkate ape-ape. Tak   taw nak express macam mana.. Tak  taw camane nak tegur-tegoq mereka yang bakal memalukan kami kat depan orang ramai . Hape korang tu f4 dah bajet besar la ye?? Memang tak sedar diri and tak reti appreciate usaha orang! Now listening to the abu bakar's house dr bawah pon boleh buat aku rase nak menjerit-jerit menangis-nangis! Haiyyaaa!!!
gerammnye.. terasa ego + maruah tercabar~ Tolonglah jangan malukan f5 wahai adek2 ter'chenta'!!

pffttt! tolongla~

Aku sangat tension.. Nak balik cepat. Tapi tak nak dengar any news from member yang sorang tuh? boleh tak? haha.. lawak gila! 

okay.okay,, I am officially putus fiussed~

i gotta go. nak siapkan keje~ =)

adiiiiieeeuuu!!

signing out

Jo

cut me some slack

Nampak tak nak cut some slack nih? Ok ... sebenarnye nak melalut panjang tapi tataw nak taram apa kat sini.. Yang pasti rasa memang macam dah nak putus fius.. Kenapa kau mesej aku??? kenapa??? Ya Allah, kenapa dia mesej aku? Aku dah redha atas perubahan kau kan.. Pi la berubah.. jangan patah balik lagik... Biar la aku dah terase dua kali dengan kawan yang berubah.. aku happy tengok kau happy n dah berubah ke arah yang lebih baik..seriusly~tak tipu ny.. (muke serius)

Hahaha..memang la kan.. ermm... aku bukan apa.. terasa bersalah + malu + segan bila kawan yang dulu seotak gila-gila skang dah jadik baik (ckit ke bnyk wallahualam)... yang aku taw aku segan~

Sekarang memang dah tak duduk sama rendah berdiri sama tinggi.. kau kat ats.. aku kat groundfloor and am looking up just to get a glimpse of ya.. (+_+")

I'm proud of ya dude.. no doubt about that... tp no matter how high u've gone above me.. d0nt forget me down here eyh buddy?

I won't.

I hope you won't too.

but then again, who am I to be remembered...rite?

 (senyum pahit tawar )

Man,truth really d0es hurts and reality sure bites..

Hey buddy, just kn0w that I never forgot all the things you did to help me. And the people you've introduced to me.. Means a lot just to let you know~

I seriously am stumped. Hope to NOT hear from you soon~

                                                                                                     sincerely,

                                                                                                     Your Buddy